Sunday, August 31, 2014

My Apologies...Explaining My Absence

I want to apologize to my readers for my long absence. Let me explain.

I am an emotional and social anorexic and so online friendships are a lot easier for me than face to face. I can be more open and transparent with online friends than I can with those that I see on a day to day basis. I can interact with people in day to day life, but there are big masks. Nobody, not even my wife can see what dwells within the depths of my soul. With online friends I seem to be more open and feel more comfortable.

I play a game online. This game involves a lot of social interaction. In the course of the game I have made some good friends. There was one friend in particular who I became very close with. She was not a sexual interest in any way, but she was someone that I could share what was in the depths of my heart….the bright and the dark. She knew of my addiction and was very supportive.

Without going into the messy details, that friendship disintegrated a couple of months ago. It was a result of conflict that she had with another one of my online friends. I wanted to remain neutral in the dispute because I valued both of them so very much and didn’t want to hurt either one. My neutrality cost me my friendship with my best friend. I did not handle the situation well myself, so I certainly must share in the blame for that.

I was absolutely devastated and wounded deeply. I did everything I could think of to try and repair that relationship to no avail. I took a 1 month hiatus from the game, though I did return and am eternally thankful to my new alliance who was there for me as I healed.

I was hurting real bad emotionally. I needed to medicate. I spiraled into as much indulgence as I could. (Porn, masturbation, webcams....all of it and more). I was ashamed of my indulgence, but I needed the fix. I erased all of my previous blog posts. I was done with sobriety. I needed my drug. I stopped going to SLAA meetings. Whenever my wife was not home I was online trying to find a hookup or engaging in cybersex.

I received an invitation to meet up with a 19 yr old webcam girl who lives 2 hrs away. We spent the last few weeks talking back and forth getting to know each other a bit and to become more comfortable before we actually hooked up. Last week we were going to make a date, but in the intervening time she also started seeing somebody and believed that it was actually going to go somewhere, so she called it off. Needless to say that I am disappointed….and at the same time relieved. We are still taking though…still in touch. Who knows what may materialize in the end.

My friend and I have now reconciled. We are friends again and it makes me so happy. I can’t begin to express my joy at having her back in my life again. She has apologized to me for the hurt she brought me…and I to her for the way I conducted myself as well. There is enough blame to go around and there is no need to revisit the past. We have forgiven and forgotten.

And yet, I still find myself struggling with my addiction. I do not blame her in the least for my slide into depravity. I made a choice…a poor choice, but still a choice. I could have reacted to the hurt and pain in any number of ways, but I chose to medicate. I find I have a love-hate relationship with it. St. Augustine once prayed…”Lord, grant me chastity…but not yet.” I feel like that. I want my sobriety, but I want the pleasure and feelings that it brings…though I know it is self destructive.

And so….one hook up….it is all I ask. I just want one, no strings attached, fuck session. Just let me find and have this one thing…and then I will get sober.


Or maybe I should get sober now….I don’t know. I love my wife and don’t want to hurt her….but I just feel like I really need this. I’m not sure what direction things will take at this moment. It would be so much better if I could afford a shrink. I need it.