My Official FIRST STEP Narrative

Hi, I'm Michael and I'm a sex addict.

All I ever wanted was to be normal. I wanted to be loved and accepted. When I was five, there was an older boy in the neighborhood who lured me behind a boulder and proceeded to sexually abuse me. I can still see him standing over me laughing as he pissed in my mouth. The things he did were horrific. I was filled with a sense of shame and any self-esteem that was budding in that child was killed that day. He continued his abuse off and on over the next two years. I never told my parents. I had difficulty developing socially after that.

We moved to a new town and I was thrilled to be free of my abuser. Unfortunately another form of abuse was waiting for me. Another boy, a couple years older than I was, chose to make me his own personal punching bag for the next year. He would beat on me daily. One day I chose to walk home from school, three miles in a snow storm, at the age of seven. I thought I might be able to avoid the beating at least once. He was waiting for me when I got close to home. He saw me and tackled me, driving me into a snow bank. Snow and ice was mercilessly pressed into my face and down my shirt and pants. My glasses laid on the ground, broken for the umpteenth time. Ocassionallu, adults would call the police, but it seemed to do no good. The one saving grace was a couple of older girls in the neighborhood who gave me comfort after the beatings. I didn't like boys. Boys hurt you. I liked girls. Girls were nice.

My anger at my situation bubbled up from time to time in temper tantrums. My father was frustrated and didn't know what to do. He threatened on a few ocassions to call the police and have me sent away. One day after a tantrum he said he made that call even though he didn't. (Not a good thing to do to a young boy struggling with feelings of rejection already)

Needless to say, my social skills were quite undeveloped. I had a difficult time opening up, or even forming normal childhood bonds. When we moved a year later, I was looking forward to a fresh start. Sadly, I didn't know how to respond to childhood teasing. I was hurt by it, and showing weakness only made it worse. This was the town where I grew up, so for the next 10 years of school I endured teasing and being told essentially that I didn't quite measure up. My friendships were few. All I wanted was to be loved and accepted. All I wanted was what I perceived as normal.

My normal interest in dating was squelched at every turn. Girls I liked rejected my overtures, ranging from the polite to the cruel.

When I was about 13 I discovered pornography. After my paper route I would stop at the corner market and sneak peaks at the Playboy and Penthouse magazines. My father bought a VCR about that time and would bring movies into the home with sexual themes and nudity. He tried to keep them from me, but I'd sneak looks whenever I could. I would also check the cable guide to see when "after hours" movies were broadcasting on cable so I could set my alarm and sneak looks. When they started doing pay-per-view porn I would be looking at the scrambled signal trying to catch whatever I could. Quite pathetic really.

One of my few friends told me about masturbation at that time. I experienced my first orgasm and knew right there and then that I discovered my drug. I would compulsively masturbate 5 or more times a day. On a couple of occasions I actually blistered my penis. It was an escape from the pain of daily life. If I couldn't have a real girlfriend I would invent one. Despite this, the misery and depression still was there. I don't know how many times I stood on a bridge contemplating suicide. It was only my religious upbringing that kept me from following through.

When I became an adult, I was finally able to obtain my own porn. I had a steady diet of it. I would rent movies daily at the video store and buy them when I could. Most of my paycheck went to feed this habit. I estimate that I spent nearly $50,000 on adult entertainment by the time I was 30. I often joke that if high speed Internet was available when I was growing up I would have saved a fortune.

During this time, I was working as a retail manager by day and a live in caretaker for a mentally disabled gentleman during the evenings and weekends. Though i was supposed to be with him at all times, I would often leave him alone in the car while I browsed for porn in the adult bookstores, often for an hour. It was also during this time that I got my first computer. I discovered chat rooms and cybersex. I got real good at it. It became an obsession. Here were girls who were telling me that I was sexy. They were telling me I was amazing. My ability to get them off became another drug for me. It was the affirmation I craved.. It was everything I ever thought I wanted. It was also my secret life. I was a good church boy by day, but whenever I was alone, I was looking for ways to act out.

Shortly after turning 30 I met the woman who I was going to marry through a personal ad. Even though I had these online relationships, I still wanted marriage and a family. We dated for 9 months and were married 6 months after that. I thought that by taking a wife that my obsessions with porn and online relationships would go away. I thought that I could be rid of the hypocrisy. It didn't work out that way. She complains about so many things, whether it's chores, money, my job, my introversion, or my addiction...and so I act out. She rarely has sex with me, leaving me feel less than desirable, so I look for someone who finds me desirable and sexy. I still love her, and I guess she still loves me, but I still feel compelled to act out.

The course and consequences of my addiction are many.

I have had suicidal thoughts and feelings in the past and have been on the brink of attempts in the past.

I feel like I have a double life (public and secret).

Shortly after the birth of my son, I forgot to pick him up from daycare because I was obsessed with getting home to act out online.

I have failed to pursue my life goals in favor of feeding my addiction

I act contrary to my own values and beliefs in my failure to control my addiction

My addiction isolates me from those I care about and those who care about me.

Preoccupation with my addiction has played havoc with my ability to sleep.

Despite my intellectual knowledge that I am an accepted child of God and saved by his grace, I feel emotionally disconnected from him and fear his anger.

I risk the disintegration of my family, losing the love and respect of my spouse and my children.

I have wasted money on my addiction, spending funds that could be used to better our family situation in order to feed my lust and need for sexual expression.

I risk my future career if I should be discovered

As I continue to indulge my addiction I lose opportunities to engage in helpful, enjoyable, and productive hobbies.

As I continue to indulge my addiction I fail to adequately prepare for my responsibilities and keep my commitments.

Despite the consequences I continue to struggle. I continue to replay scenes from pornographic movies that I have seen in my mind. I look forward to alone time so that I can watch porn and masturbate or engage in cybersex online. I frequently fantasize about sexual encounters with people I see or know. I continue to lie to my spouse whenever I have been acting out. I have told her that I was not doing anything when I have in fact been masturbating on cam, engaging in dirty chat, or watching pornography. I use the “incognito mode” on my web browser to hide my internet activity from my family. I refuse to allow my family to use my computer and mobile devices out of fear that my activities would be discovered.

My efforts at sobriety to this point have been unsuccessful. I have read books on sexual addiction in efforts to try and understand it. I have tried willpower. I have gone through cycles where I purchase porn, purge it, and go back and purchase it again…like a sexual bulimic.

When I am acting out, I feel powerful, because I am giving pleasure to another and I am the source of that pleasure. The truth is that I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable. All it has left me is a sense of shame, putting everything at risk. I have a love-hate relationship with my addiction, but I need to let it go. Here I am. I am not sober, but I am wanting to raise the white flag of surrender, if I can somehow figure out what that looks like.

I am Michael and I am a sex addict.

Understanding Sexual Addiction

Isolation

Isolation

At my most recent support group meeting, we talked about isolation. Talk about a hit between the eyes!!! Isolation is my middle name.

I used to think that isolation was forced upon me. Because of my abuse I had difficulty forming and maintaining relationships with my peers. I was a victim, and conditioned myself to feel like and act like a victim. This, of course, only attracted and encouraged the bullies. And so isolation has become a defense mechanism and a comfortable place for me. It is a pattern of behavior that still plagues me to this day.

Whenever I feel angry, emotional, anxious, fearful, under attack, inadequate...I hide in my isolation spot. It may take the form of mentally shutting others out. The words spoken to me sound like the adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon. It may be losing myself in a book, a game, a television show...or acting out sexually.

I don't use the sex the way God intended, to draw closer to someone. It is a way to treat an internal vacuum. It is one of the reasons why the thought of anonymous sexual experiences is so appealing...strippers, escorts, cybersex, webcams...it is because I'm NOT drawing close to someone...but rather using them for the moment. It gives the temporary relief, but in the end is unsatisfying.

I find that where I do bond well is with online friendships. There is intimacy and transparency there, but with a feeling if safety because it isn't face to face. The people I associate with whom I call friends only see a surface projection. They don't see the real me inside. They don't see the wounded child struggling for normalcy. I am afraid of what they would truly think or do if they knew the true depths of my struggles. I feel safer and more transparent with my online friends.

My wife does not and can not understand this. She says that the people that I converse with online are NOT my friends, but rather the people I see face to face. She doesn't get it. What makes someone my friend is my ability to live transparently before them. I can't do that with face to face relationships. Sure, I can put on a smile, tell them about "how work is going", what is happening in the lives of my children, and even some minor conflicts in my life...but there is nobody I know face to face that I could tell about the innermost pain, struggles, and failures. There is nobody I can talk to where I can live transparently and authentically. There is nobody whom I feel comfortable crying with...not even my wife whom I honestly DO love dearly.

And so...I continue to isolate myself. And isolation breeds opportunity to act out.

I am working it out though. I hope someday to be able to open up face to face with someone like I can online. But still, I DO have my online friends...and that at least is something.

Facing My Inner Demons

The lyricist has me pegged so accurately...

JEKYLL:
Lost in the darkness,
Silence surrounds you.
Once there was morning,
Now endless night.

I will find the answer.
I'll never desert you -
I promise you this -
Till the day that I...

HYDE:
Do you really think
That I would ever let you go?
Do you think I'd ever set you free?
If you do, I'm sad to say,
It simply isn't so.
You will never get away from me!

JEKYLL:
All that you are
Is a face in the mirror!
I close my eyes and you'll disappear!

HYDE:
I'm what you face
When you face in the mirror!
Long as you live, I will still be here!

JEKYLL:
All that you are
Is the end of a nightmare!
All that you are is a dying scream!
After tonight,
I shall end this demon dream!

HYDE:
This is not a dream, my friend -
And it will never end!
This one is the nightmare that goes on!
Hyde is here to stay,
No matter what you may pretend -
And I'll flourish, long after you're gone!

JEKYLL:
Soon you will die,
And my silence will hide you!
You cannot choose but to lose control.

HYDE:
You can't control me!
I live deep inside you!
Each day you'll feel me devour your soul!

JEKYLL:
I don't need to survive,
As you need me!
I'll become whole
As you dance with death!
And I'll rejoice
As you breathe your final breath!

HYDE:
I'll live inside you forever!

JEKYLL:
No!

HYDE:
With Satan himself by my side!

JEKYLL:
No!

HYDE:
And I know that, now and forever,
They'll never be able to separate
Jekyll from Hyde!

JEKYLL:
Can't you see
It's over now?
It's time to die!

HYDE:
No, not I!
Only you!

JEKYLL:
If I die,
You die, too!

HYDE:
You'll die in me
I'll be you!

JEKYLL:
Damn you, Hyde!
Set me free!

HYDE:
Can't you see
You are me?

JEKYLL:
No!
Deep inside-!

HYDE:
I am you!
You are Hyde!

JEKYLL:
No - Never!

HYDE:
Yes, forever!

JEKYLL:
Good damn you, Hyde!
Take all your evil deeds,
And rot in hell!

HYDE:
I'll see you there, Jekyll!

JEKYLL:
Never!

Coming to Terms With Discontent

I am trying to come to terms with what is driving me to do the things I do. I really don't want to do them, yet I continue to make bad choices.

There is a fierce strain of discontentment in my life.

I was robbed of a normal childhood and youth due to my abuse. I didn't date as a teenager. All I wanted was normalcy. I wanted to have girlfriends, and friends, and just to be accepted. I wanted to lose my virginity in High School like others. I am jealous of people who had those experiences. Fucking was normal. I wasn't normal...and so fucking has become an obsession. That along with the chemical dependency developed from repetitive masturbation..

I lost a good job due to company bullshit. I have yet to get myself pulled back up to where I can properly support my family. I have a wife who is constantly telling me how I need to get a better job (as if I can just DECIDE to do that and it magically happens). She looks at nice houses and asks "what do THEY do to make so much money?" when she says that it is like a knife in my gut telling me that I am a failure as a provider. 

Despite the fact that sometimes she drives me crazy (and she would say the same about me), I DO have a wonderful wife whom I love. She is indeed a gift to me. And yet, rather than be content with what I have, I desire more and different experiences. I want to be with other women, not because I don't love my wife, but because I refuse to allow myself to be satisfied with her alone. She should be enough. I want her to be enough...but for some reason I can't be content with that. 

I ha e to learn contentment if I am going to break this chain. I am a slave to my lust and passions....I am a good person who has had some shitty things happen to me....but I can't seem to break this. 

I must...I will....

I have to own it!

I will one way or another.

I have friends who are supporting my efforts. I need to find contentment.

One More By Nate Larkin- He Tells His Story

I admire this man so much. I want to have the same freedom and transparency that he has. I need to learn to trust in order to have it. Its going to be hard because I dont trust easy....

It's 83 min....but worth it.

Another Message By Nate Larkin

I hope someday I can be like him