At my most recent support group meeting, we talked about isolation. Talk about a hit between the eyes!!! Isolation is my middle name.
I used to think that isolation was forced upon me. Because of my abuse I had difficulty forming and maintaining relationships with my peers. I was a victim, and conditioned myself to feel like and act like a victim. This, of course, only attracted and encouraged the bullies. And so isolation has become a defense mechanism and a comfortable place for me. It is a pattern of behavior that still plagues me to this day.
Whenever I feel angry, emotional, anxious, fearful, under attack, inadequate...I hide in my isolation spot. It may take the form of mentally shutting others out. The words spoken to me sound like the adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon. It may be losing myself in a book, a game, a television show...or acting out sexually.
I don't use the sex the way God intended, to draw closer to someone. It is a way to treat an internal vacuum. It is one of the reasons why the thought of anonymous sexual experiences is so appealing...strippers, escorts, cybersex, webcams...it is because I'm NOT drawing close to someone...but rather using them for the moment. It gives the temporary relief, but in the end is unsatisfying.
I find that where I do bond well is with online friendships. There is intimacy and transparency there, but with a feeling if safety because it isn't face to face. The people I associate with whom I call friends only see a surface projection. They don't see the real me inside. They don't see the wounded child struggling for normalcy. I am afraid of what they would truly think or do if they knew the true depths of my struggles. I feel safer and more transparent with my online friends.
My wife does not and can not understand this. She says that the people that I converse with online are NOT my friends, but rather the people I see face to face. She doesn't get it. What makes someone my friend is my ability to live transparently before them. I can't do that with face to face relationships. Sure, I can put on a smile, tell them about "how work is going", what is happening in the lives of my children, and even some minor conflicts in my life...but there is nobody I know face to face that I could tell about the innermost pain, struggles, and failures. There is nobody I can talk to where I can live transparently and authentically. There is nobody whom I feel comfortable crying with...not even my wife whom I honestly DO love dearly.
And so...I continue to isolate myself. And isolation breeds opportunity to act out.
I am working it out though. I hope someday to be able to open up face to face with someone like I can online. But still, I DO have my online friends...and that at least is something.
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