Put Yourself in My Shoes

It is so difficult for a non-addict to understand an addict. They live in the world of deliberate choices so in their mind acting out is a choice. They demand of the addict to simply make good choices. Maybe  this illustration can give you a picture of an addicts struggle.

A mosquito is buzzing around you and lands on your neck. What did you do? Did you swat it? Of course you did.  Did you stop and think about it? Of course not. It was instinct. There was no thought involved.

Now imagine that you are ordered not to swat the mosquito. Next time one lands on your neck you swat it. Instincts take over. You think to yourself, "hey, I'm not supposed to swat it. I'll do better next time. Eventually you may get to the point where you can stop and think. The irritation persists, yet you manage somehow to not swat it. It requires an intense amount of self awareness and discipline. Now imagine having to maintain that level of awareness and discipline every waking hour. It is exhausting. It is really really exhausting.

Now sometimes you may make it and the mosquito flies off. Sometimes you simply can't take it anymore and you swat it. And sometimes you simply are not paying attention and you swat it out of instinct.

As an addict, I am asked to maintain a constant vigil of awareness and discipline. It is exhausting. Sometimes I let my guard down. When I'm not paying attention I find myself slipping and once I'm in an acting out mode it takes over and I have lost control. I wish I had the strength to identify when I'm about to act out every time and call my sponsor. It's not easy.

Before you judge us or kick us when we screw up, take a moment to put yourself in our shoes. It is incredibly hard. 

Using the Tools of Recovery

So my wife was out of the country all last week. I was left home alone. This is not a good thing for a sex addict. Loneliness and isolation are perfect combination for acting out. One of the tools of recovery is keeping busy on positive things to take your mind off acting out. Well my house has not been cleaned for a few months and it was an ungodly mess. Despite a back injury, I picked away at it with frequent breaks so as not to aggravate it too much. I cleaned every room and did about 20 loads of laundry. My expectation was that when my wife got home that she would be thrilled. I have been told that husbands cleaning house is an aphrodisiac.

Well on Monday I went to the airport in Orlando to pick up my wife, her friend, and my nephew. Now curbside security can be real Nazis. They expect you to load and be gone. No waiting around. So I was very task oriented. Load them up and get on the road. Now in addition to being a sex addict I am also a social anorexic. My plan was to drop off her friend and when we got home ask her about her trip. We got about halfway home and my wife started nagging me IN FRONT OF HER FRIEND about how I didn't kiss her and embrace her when I picked her up and wasn't asking about her trip. The fact that there was no AC in the car and the windows down also played a role in my waiting. Needless to say, I was feeling very hurt and belittled by her. I let it go, thinking that when she saw the house that she would forget all about it and be happy. Instead, when we got home she sat down and asked me "What did you do all week?" AS IF IT WASN'T BLATANTLY OBVIOUS!!! In fact, she knew that I had cleaned and didn't say anything about it in order to get a dig at me for not falling all over her at the airport and asking about her trip in the car. It seems like sometimes everything has to be on HER terms or she throws a fit. I was again feeling quite hurt and angry. I didn't sleep well thant night.

The next day I had to take my nephew to the airport. My wife wanted me to drive her to work so I could take the van to Tampa. I was tired and told her to go. We have another van, but the battery is low and needs a jump every now and then. I have a charger and it always works to jump the van. So I told her to just go. Well little did I know that the charger broke. Somehow one of the clips was ripped off. It wasn't that way last time I used it. So I called my wife to come bring the van and explained what happened. So we had to take her back to work before we left for the airport. In the vehicle, AGAIN IN FRONT OF MY NEPHEW she began with "I had a feeling that something like this was going to happen. You should listen to me. I know things." and "You should go this way" as if I don't know my way around town after having lived here for 15 years. Again, I was feeling belittled, hurt, and angry.

So I drove my nephew to Tampa and got him on the plane. Now here I am in Tampa... alone...hurt...and angry. I was only about 15 minutes from an adult theater. My addict was calling to me. "You could go and watch all the porn you want and maybe even find someone to hook up with (as occasionally happens there). You will feel better. Screw sobriety...screw your wife...she doesn't even care about you anyways. She hurt you so you go ahead and indulge yourself. You deserve it."

Before recovery I would be listening to my addict. But, I had 41 days of sobriety (43) as of the time of me writing this. I was not going to lose that. I wasn't going to give in for the moment only to live with regret the next day. But the urge was really REALLY strong. I was triggered like you wouldn't believe. Fortunately my higher power was looking out for me. As soon as I got in the car I called my sponsor. I wasn't going to have a "I did this thing...." kind of conversation. I was going to have a "I am in Tampa right now and I am feeling alone, hurt, and angry. I have a strong desire to act out right now. Help me get out of town." conversation. He stayed on the phone with me until I got out of town. I am fortunate to have a great sponsor.

I can't promise that every triggering is going to go this well...but at least when I am triggered I can look back at this as a success and know that I don't HAVE to act out and I don't have to do this alone.

Deep Inside...

When I am in my wheelhouse I feel confident. That is especially true at church. I can break things down theologically like nobody's business and there are many that look up to me.

I also have a good friend I met online who is 16 now. We have known each other for a couple years and I have been able to fill a father role for her when she needs fatherly advice. She says that I am her hero.

In all honesty, given my addiction I don't feel very heroic. I struggle with an addiction that fills me with shame. I know that the only hope I have is in God. It is only his gifts to me that allow me to be a leader at church and a father figure to my friend. In truth I have a lot of work to do, but I am doing the work.

Lately, I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor, deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

Giving My Addict a Name

For so long, the addict and I have been merged into one person that they seemed like one and the same. That is how my wife saw me. That is how my acting out partners saw me.

I am now 19 days sober and doing it the right way this time, with the help of a sponsor and using the tools of recovery. I am not white knuckling it, trying to find freedom through sheer willpower.

Now that I am getting sober, my addict has been fighting me for dominance, calling me back to old ways. My addict has always been there to take care of me and keep me fed. Now that I am getting sober I am finding that my Higher Power (and I am a Christian) is not just the master of my eternal salvation, but also the master of my day to day. He is the one that I need to surrender to. I need to trust myself into His care.

My addict and I are fighting for dominance. He doesn't want to go quietly. He wants to be fed and my job in sobriety is to starve him. So he is throwing a temper tantrum, calling me back to the old behaviors that gave me both pleasure and chaos. He reminds me of the pleasure. He reminds me that he shields me from those things in life I don't want to confront.

It reminds me of this scene from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. I have decided to name my addict Gollum so that when those urges and cravings come, I can say, "That is Gollum talking."

My Official FIRST STEP Narrative

Hi, I'm Michael and I'm a sex addict.

All I ever wanted was to be normal. I wanted to be loved and accepted. When I was five, there was an older boy in the neighborhood who lured me behind a boulder and proceeded to sexually abuse me. I can still see him standing over me laughing as he pissed in my mouth. The things he did were horrific. I was filled with a sense of shame and any self-esteem that was budding in that child was killed that day. He continued his abuse off and on over the next two years. I never told my parents. I had difficulty developing socially after that.

We moved to a new town and I was thrilled to be free of my abuser. Unfortunately another form of abuse was waiting for me. Another boy, a couple years older than I was, chose to make me his own personal punching bag for the next year. He would beat on me daily. One day I chose to walk home from school, three miles in a snow storm, at the age of seven. I thought I might be able to avoid the beating at least once. He was waiting for me when I got close to home. He saw me and tackled me, driving me into a snow bank. Snow and ice was mercilessly pressed into my face and down my shirt and pants. My glasses laid on the ground, broken for the umpteenth time. Ocassionallu, adults would call the police, but it seemed to do no good. The one saving grace was a couple of older girls in the neighborhood who gave me comfort after the beatings. I didn't like boys. Boys hurt you. I liked girls. Girls were nice.

My anger at my situation bubbled up from time to time in temper tantrums. My father was frustrated and didn't know what to do. He threatened on a few ocassions to call the police and have me sent away. One day after a tantrum he said he made that call even though he didn't. (Not a good thing to do to a young boy struggling with feelings of rejection already)

Needless to say, my social skills were quite undeveloped. I had a difficult time opening up, or even forming normal childhood bonds. When we moved a year later, I was looking forward to a fresh start. Sadly, I didn't know how to respond to childhood teasing. I was hurt by it, and showing weakness only made it worse. This was the town where I grew up, so for the next 10 years of school I endured teasing and being told essentially that I didn't quite measure up. My friendships were few. All I wanted was to be loved and accepted. All I wanted was what I perceived as normal.

My normal interest in dating was squelched at every turn. Girls I liked rejected my overtures, ranging from the polite to the cruel.

When I was about 13 I discovered pornography. After my paper route I would stop at the corner market and sneak peaks at the Playboy and Penthouse magazines. My father bought a VCR about that time and would bring movies into the home with sexual themes and nudity. He tried to keep them from me, but I'd sneak looks whenever I could. I would also check the cable guide to see when "after hours" movies were broadcasting on cable so I could set my alarm and sneak looks. When they started doing pay-per-view porn I would be looking at the scrambled signal trying to catch whatever I could. Quite pathetic really.

One of my few friends told me about masturbation at that time. I experienced my first orgasm and knew right there and then that I discovered my drug. I would compulsively masturbate 5 or more times a day. On a couple of occasions I actually blistered my penis. It was an escape from the pain of daily life. If I couldn't have a real girlfriend I would invent one. Despite this, the misery and depression still was there. I don't know how many times I stood on a bridge contemplating suicide. It was only my religious upbringing that kept me from following through.

When I became an adult, I was finally able to obtain my own porn. I had a steady diet of it. I would rent movies daily at the video store and buy them when I could. Most of my paycheck went to feed this habit. I estimate that I spent nearly $50,000 on adult entertainment by the time I was 30. I often joke that if high speed Internet was available when I was growing up I would have saved a fortune.

During this time, I was working as a retail manager by day and a live in caretaker for a mentally disabled gentleman during the evenings and weekends. Though i was supposed to be with him at all times, I would often leave him alone in the car while I browsed for porn in the adult bookstores, often for an hour. It was also during this time that I got my first computer. I discovered chat rooms and cybersex. I got real good at it. It became an obsession. Here were girls who were telling me that I was sexy. They were telling me I was amazing. My ability to get them off became another drug for me. It was the affirmation I craved.. It was everything I ever thought I wanted. It was also my secret life. I was a good church boy by day, but whenever I was alone, I was looking for ways to act out.

Shortly after turning 30 I met the woman who I was going to marry through a personal ad. Even though I had these online relationships, I still wanted marriage and a family. We dated for 9 months and were married 6 months after that. I thought that by taking a wife that my obsessions with porn and online relationships would go away. I thought that I could be rid of the hypocrisy. It didn't work out that way. She complains about so many things, whether it's chores, money, my job, my introversion, or my addiction...and so I act out. She rarely has sex with me, leaving me feel less than desirable, so I look for someone who finds me desirable and sexy. I still love her, and I guess she still loves me, but I still feel compelled to act out.

The course and consequences of my addiction are many.

I have had suicidal thoughts and feelings in the past and have been on the brink of attempts in the past.

I feel like I have a double life (public and secret).

Shortly after the birth of my son, I forgot to pick him up from daycare because I was obsessed with getting home to act out online.

I have failed to pursue my life goals in favor of feeding my addiction

I act contrary to my own values and beliefs in my failure to control my addiction

My addiction isolates me from those I care about and those who care about me.

Preoccupation with my addiction has played havoc with my ability to sleep.

Despite my intellectual knowledge that I am an accepted child of God and saved by his grace, I feel emotionally disconnected from him and fear his anger.

I risk the disintegration of my family, losing the love and respect of my spouse and my children.

I have wasted money on my addiction, spending funds that could be used to better our family situation in order to feed my lust and need for sexual expression.

I risk my future career if I should be discovered

As I continue to indulge my addiction I lose opportunities to engage in helpful, enjoyable, and productive hobbies.

As I continue to indulge my addiction I fail to adequately prepare for my responsibilities and keep my commitments.

Despite the consequences I continue to struggle. I continue to replay scenes from pornographic movies that I have seen in my mind. I look forward to alone time so that I can watch porn and masturbate or engage in cybersex online. I frequently fantasize about sexual encounters with people I see or know. I continue to lie to my spouse whenever I have been acting out. I have told her that I was not doing anything when I have in fact been masturbating on cam, engaging in dirty chat, or watching pornography. I use the “incognito mode” on my web browser to hide my internet activity from my family. I refuse to allow my family to use my computer and mobile devices out of fear that my activities would be discovered.

My efforts at sobriety to this point have been unsuccessful. I have read books on sexual addiction in efforts to try and understand it. I have tried willpower. I have gone through cycles where I purchase porn, purge it, and go back and purchase it again…like a sexual bulimic.

When I am acting out, I feel powerful, because I am giving pleasure to another and I am the source of that pleasure. The truth is that I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable. All it has left me is a sense of shame, putting everything at risk. I have a love-hate relationship with my addiction, but I need to let it go. Here I am. I am not sober, but I am wanting to raise the white flag of surrender, if I can somehow figure out what that looks like.

I am Michael and I am a sex addict.

Understanding Sexual Addiction

Isolation

Isolation

At my most recent support group meeting, we talked about isolation. Talk about a hit between the eyes!!! Isolation is my middle name.

I used to think that isolation was forced upon me. Because of my abuse I had difficulty forming and maintaining relationships with my peers. I was a victim, and conditioned myself to feel like and act like a victim. This, of course, only attracted and encouraged the bullies. And so isolation has become a defense mechanism and a comfortable place for me. It is a pattern of behavior that still plagues me to this day.

Whenever I feel angry, emotional, anxious, fearful, under attack, inadequate...I hide in my isolation spot. It may take the form of mentally shutting others out. The words spoken to me sound like the adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon. It may be losing myself in a book, a game, a television show...or acting out sexually.

I don't use the sex the way God intended, to draw closer to someone. It is a way to treat an internal vacuum. It is one of the reasons why the thought of anonymous sexual experiences is so appealing...strippers, escorts, cybersex, webcams...it is because I'm NOT drawing close to someone...but rather using them for the moment. It gives the temporary relief, but in the end is unsatisfying.

I find that where I do bond well is with online friendships. There is intimacy and transparency there, but with a feeling if safety because it isn't face to face. The people I associate with whom I call friends only see a surface projection. They don't see the real me inside. They don't see the wounded child struggling for normalcy. I am afraid of what they would truly think or do if they knew the true depths of my struggles. I feel safer and more transparent with my online friends.

My wife does not and can not understand this. She says that the people that I converse with online are NOT my friends, but rather the people I see face to face. She doesn't get it. What makes someone my friend is my ability to live transparently before them. I can't do that with face to face relationships. Sure, I can put on a smile, tell them about "how work is going", what is happening in the lives of my children, and even some minor conflicts in my life...but there is nobody I know face to face that I could tell about the innermost pain, struggles, and failures. There is nobody I can talk to where I can live transparently and authentically. There is nobody whom I feel comfortable crying with...not even my wife whom I honestly DO love dearly.

And so...I continue to isolate myself. And isolation breeds opportunity to act out.

I am working it out though. I hope someday to be able to open up face to face with someone like I can online. But still, I DO have my online friends...and that at least is something.

Facing My Inner Demons

The lyricist has me pegged so accurately...

JEKYLL:
Lost in the darkness,
Silence surrounds you.
Once there was morning,
Now endless night.

I will find the answer.
I'll never desert you -
I promise you this -
Till the day that I...

HYDE:
Do you really think
That I would ever let you go?
Do you think I'd ever set you free?
If you do, I'm sad to say,
It simply isn't so.
You will never get away from me!

JEKYLL:
All that you are
Is a face in the mirror!
I close my eyes and you'll disappear!

HYDE:
I'm what you face
When you face in the mirror!
Long as you live, I will still be here!

JEKYLL:
All that you are
Is the end of a nightmare!
All that you are is a dying scream!
After tonight,
I shall end this demon dream!

HYDE:
This is not a dream, my friend -
And it will never end!
This one is the nightmare that goes on!
Hyde is here to stay,
No matter what you may pretend -
And I'll flourish, long after you're gone!

JEKYLL:
Soon you will die,
And my silence will hide you!
You cannot choose but to lose control.

HYDE:
You can't control me!
I live deep inside you!
Each day you'll feel me devour your soul!

JEKYLL:
I don't need to survive,
As you need me!
I'll become whole
As you dance with death!
And I'll rejoice
As you breathe your final breath!

HYDE:
I'll live inside you forever!

JEKYLL:
No!

HYDE:
With Satan himself by my side!

JEKYLL:
No!

HYDE:
And I know that, now and forever,
They'll never be able to separate
Jekyll from Hyde!

JEKYLL:
Can't you see
It's over now?
It's time to die!

HYDE:
No, not I!
Only you!

JEKYLL:
If I die,
You die, too!

HYDE:
You'll die in me
I'll be you!

JEKYLL:
Damn you, Hyde!
Set me free!

HYDE:
Can't you see
You are me?

JEKYLL:
No!
Deep inside-!

HYDE:
I am you!
You are Hyde!

JEKYLL:
No - Never!

HYDE:
Yes, forever!

JEKYLL:
Good damn you, Hyde!
Take all your evil deeds,
And rot in hell!

HYDE:
I'll see you there, Jekyll!

JEKYLL:
Never!

Coming to Terms With Discontent

I am trying to come to terms with what is driving me to do the things I do. I really don't want to do them, yet I continue to make bad choices.

There is a fierce strain of discontentment in my life.

I was robbed of a normal childhood and youth due to my abuse. I didn't date as a teenager. All I wanted was normalcy. I wanted to have girlfriends, and friends, and just to be accepted. I wanted to lose my virginity in High School like others. I am jealous of people who had those experiences. Fucking was normal. I wasn't normal...and so fucking has become an obsession. That along with the chemical dependency developed from repetitive masturbation..

I lost a good job due to company bullshit. I have yet to get myself pulled back up to where I can properly support my family. I have a wife who is constantly telling me how I need to get a better job (as if I can just DECIDE to do that and it magically happens). She looks at nice houses and asks "what do THEY do to make so much money?" when she says that it is like a knife in my gut telling me that I am a failure as a provider. 

Despite the fact that sometimes she drives me crazy (and she would say the same about me), I DO have a wonderful wife whom I love. She is indeed a gift to me. And yet, rather than be content with what I have, I desire more and different experiences. I want to be with other women, not because I don't love my wife, but because I refuse to allow myself to be satisfied with her alone. She should be enough. I want her to be enough...but for some reason I can't be content with that. 

I ha e to learn contentment if I am going to break this chain. I am a slave to my lust and passions....I am a good person who has had some shitty things happen to me....but I can't seem to break this. 

I must...I will....

I have to own it!

I will one way or another.

I have friends who are supporting my efforts. I need to find contentment.

One More By Nate Larkin- He Tells His Story

I admire this man so much. I want to have the same freedom and transparency that he has. I need to learn to trust in order to have it. Its going to be hard because I dont trust easy....

It's 83 min....but worth it.

Another Message By Nate Larkin

I hope someday I can be like him

STEP ONE

I am working through the manual "A Gentle Path Through the 12 Steps"

Step one is giving me plenty to reflect on...

STEP ONE: I admit that I am powerless over sex addiction and that my life has become unmanageable.

Affirmations:

• I accept that the life I have known is over
• I accept pain as my teacher and problems as the key to a new existence for me.
• I realize that I have had a hard life and that I deserve better
• As part of the surrender of my pride I will let others give to me as an act of faith in my value as a person
• I appreciate that in the chaos of the now, my instinct and beliefs may work against me. My friends help me sort out healthy instincts and beliefs from unhealthy ones.
• I do not blame or search for fault. It sin not who, but how and what happened.
• I accept that life is difficult and that leaning into the struggle adds to my balance.

Consequences Inventory:

• I have had suicidal thoughts and feelings in the past and have been on the brink of attempts in the past.
• I have failed in my own efforts to control this addiction
• I feel like I have a double life (public and secret).
• I have lost self-esteem as I see only my addiction
• I have failed to pursue my life goals in favor of feeding my addiction
• I act contrary to my own values and beliefs in my failure to control my addiction
• I experience extreme guilt and shame
• My addiction does not bring me closer to others, but isolates me from those I care about and those who care about me.
• If I do not control my addiction I risk my own mental and physical health.
• Preoccupation with my addiction has played havoc with my ability to sleep.
• Despite my intellectual knowledge that I am an accepted child of God and saved by his grace, I feel emotionally disconnected from him and fear his anger.
• I risk the disintegration of my family, losing the love and respect of my spouse and my children.
• I have wasted money on my addiction, spending funds that could be used to better our family situation to feed my lust and need for sexual expression.
• I risk my future career if I should be discovered
• As I continue to indulge my addiction I lose opportunities to engage in helpful, enjoyable, and productive hobbies.
• As I continue to indulge my addiction I fail to adequately prepare for my responsibilities and keep my commitments.

Family Tree and Addiction

My father used to bring home movies that were highly sexual in nature. He would not let me watch them, but knowing that he did made me more interested in wanting to obtain similar movies for myself.

My sister is an alcoholic and drug addict.

Addiction History

I discovered masturbation at 13 or 14. The euphoria of an orgasm was instantly addicting. I found that the loneliness, hurts, and feelings of inadequacy were suspended when I experienced an orgasm. I became preoccupied with having as many as I could in order to make myself feel better.

Abuse History

I was sexually abused often when I was 5 and 6 years old by an older boy in the neighborhood. He forced me to perform oral sex on him. He urinated in my mouth on one occasion. He forced me and my best friend to perform oral sex on each other.

I was beaten up almost daily by an older boy when I was 7. I was hit, punched, shoved, and “white washed” frequently. Older girls in the neighborhood provided comfort to me in the aftermath of the beatings.

I was picked on, teased, and verbally abused by my peers throughout elementary and middle school. I was pretty much a social outcast by the time high school rolled around.

I left my childhood with little to no sense of self esteem.

Do I obsess or fantasize about my addictive behavior?

• I continue to replay scenes from pornographic movies that I have seen in my mind.
• I look forward to alone time so that I can watch porn and masturbate or engage in cybersex online.
• I frequently fantasize about sexual encounters with people I see or know.

Do I try to control my behavior?

• I have made repeated attempts at sobriety.
• I have tried willpower
• I have gone through cycles where I purchase porn, purge it, and go back and purchase it again…like a sexual bulimic.

Do I lie about, cover up, or minimize my behavior?

• I continue to lie to my spouse whenever I have been acting out. I have told her that I was not doing anything when I have in fact been masturbating on cam, engaging in dirty chat, or watching pornography.
• I use the “incognito mode” on my web browser to hide my internet activity from my family
• I refuse to allow my family to use my computer and mobile devices out of fear that my activities would be discovered.

Am I frequently trying to understand or rationalize my behavior?

• I have read books about sexual addiction in an effort to understand why I am the way I am.
• I attend meetings of the Samson Society, though I can not bring myself to be truly transparent there.
• I often will act out and then blame it on my addiction rather than a choice.

Have my behaviors affected my physical health?

• On one occasion I masturbated so much I blistered my penis.
• I suffer from insomnia

Do I feel guilty or shameful about my behaviors? (Or the other extreme- feel defiant or prideful about my behaviors?)

• I feel ashamed when I act out because I can not control myself.
• I feel guilty when I act out because I believe that God does not approve of these behaviors.
• I feel powerful when I am acting out because I can bring pleasure to another and be the source of that pleasure- and yet feel ashamed later because I know that I really belong with my wife and not another person (whether virtual or in person).

Do I feel that my emotional health has been affected by these behaviors?

• I feel shame
• I feel guilt
• I feel out of control
• I feel empty

Have my actions affected my social life?

• I fail to have transparent relationships with people I know
• I lead a secret life.
• I choose to spend time alone rather than with others who care about me
• I seem recluse and unfriendly when in fact I am just anorexic.
• I live in fear of the opinions of others
• I am isolated

Have my choices affected my character, morals, or values?

• While I still hold to my Christian values, I fail to live up to them.
• I could not say I have good character because I continue to fail to make good choices with regard to sexual integrity.

Has my spirituality been affected by my behaviors?

• I fail repeatedly in my prayer life and the spiritual disciplines which should characterize a Christian
• I feel guilty before God because of my behaviors.
• I look in the mirror and see a hypocrite.
• I fail to live transparently before others, in fear of judgment and condemnation rather than as authentic and encouraging.

Have my choices affected my financial situation?

• I have spent nearly $50,000 over the past 25 years on pornography, strippers, or other activities related to my addiction
• I have failed to exercise proper financial discipline because I am more interested in spending time with my addiction than paying attention to our family finances.

Has my preoccupation led to destructive behavior against self or others?

• When my son was still an infant, I forgot to pick him up from daycare because I was preoccupied with getting home to watch porn and engage in sex chat online.
• I have had suicidal thoughts in the past.

Am I able to share my feelings? Why or why not?

• I am more able to share my feelings with strangers than people close to me. I can not be transparent with people I know. I live in fear of judgment, abandonment, and condemnation.

Have I made promises to myself that I have broken?

• I have promised to quit several times, but never able to keep it.
• I have chosen forms of sexual gratification that I never thought I would ever do.

Have I made promises to others that I have broken?

• I promised my wife that I would get help. I went to one counseling session with a pastor of another church that I don’t attend. It was all I did and did not go back for more.
• I saw a professional shrink about 8 years ago. I lied and lied and lied so I never got the help I needed. I was sorry I got caught…not sorry for the deed.

Have I denied that I have a problem?

• I have never denied that I have a problem, but I have lived in denial of how serious it is.
• I have denied myself the help that I really need in order to break the addiction
• I have a love-hate relationship with my addiction. I do not want to let it go, and at the same time I do.

Has my addiction affected my self esteem?

• I look in the mirror and see a hypocrite and a pervert.
• It is when I am acting out that I feel better about myself, but then afterwards I feel terrible.

Have I tried to relieve my pain about my behavior?

• The only way I know how to relieve my pain is by acting out, and so it becomes a crazy cycle.
• I have had suicidal thoughts when I was a teenager.

Have I tried to manipulate people into supporting my addiction? How?

• I have tried to get my wife to bring porn into our sex life
• I have tried to guilt my wife into having sex.
• I have used my addiction as an excuse for my behavior.

Have I given up my hobbies and interests? What are these?

• I do not read as much as I would like
• I do not spend the quality time with my family that they need and desire

Examples of my powerlessness

• When I first started masturbating I promised that I would stop. I have never been able to stop
• As a twenty something I was caught by a member of my church coming out of the porn room at the video store. I was never confronted about it, but I promised myself that I would stop. I didn’t
• When I was taking care of a special needs gentleman when I was 28 I would leave him in the car while I browsed and purchased at the adult bookstore, leaving him alone in the car for an hour.
• I forgot my own child at daycare so that I could look at porn
• I developed a cybersex relationship with another woman while I was engaged. I was supposed to end the relationship after we got married, but never did.
• I was caught by my wife masturbating on webcam in the middle of the night. She threatened to leave me. I promised to stop and get help but I never was able to stop.
• I tried to give up porn by throwing away my entire collection, but then went out and bought a new one, with many of the same titles that I originally threw out.
• I have done the above on at least 5 different occasions.

I will add to this list more as thoughts come to me.

Examples of Unmanageability

• I neglect my wife and kids in favor or sexual encounters online or porn
• I neglect my finances in favor of spending time seeking sex
• I neglect household chores in favor of spending time seeking sex
• I fail to meet my commitments in favor of spending time seeking sex
• I continually procrastinate everything so that I can find sex online or porn.
• I put off finding full time employmnent so that I have more time to pursue sex
• I fail to build positive relationships with others out of fear that my secrets will become exposed.

I will add to this list as more thoughts come to me.

Even as I complete this exercise in the first step....I want to act out right now and get on a chat.

Transparency

I met Nate Larkin about 5 years ago. He told me his story and how he plunged into the depths of sexual addiction, how it nearly destroyed him, and how he managed to find sobriety. I was impressed. I knew that I could relate to some elements of his story, saw the path that I was going down, and realized that I too could hit rock bottom like he did. If I didn’t seek and find sobriety I was going to lose everything.

We started a branch of the Samson Society shortly after meeting Nate. I have enjoyed talking with and listening to other men who struggle with sexual addiction or even just proclivities to sexual excess. It is similar to a 12 step program, but I have found some drawbacks to it.

Here is my problem….I go to church with about 2/3 of the men who attend. I have to look these men in the eye and they know me….but because I have relationships with them outside of the Samson group, I do not feel the freedom to expose the deep, dark struggles of my soul. If they could see the depths of my struggles, the severity of the hurt that I have buried deep inside, the perversity of my desires…could they truly respect me? Maybe they can…but I just don’t feel the freedom to be transparent.

I envy what Nate has, the ability to be truly transparent with everyone. He is the most transparent person I know. I don’t have that freedom. I peel back a few layers in the meetings…but they will never be able to see the core.

I know that some of these men who attend are good men, well intentioned, and want to be supportive, buy they don’t truly struggle in the same way that I do. They were not abused, they are not addicted. Yes, they face the same temptations of lust, pornography, and fantasy that all of us have…but not to the same degree that I do. I doubt that if an opportunity to cheat on their spouse was ever presented to them, that they would succumb to the temptation. Yes, they would entertain the thought, but they have the strength and the willpower to say no. I do not. If an attractive young girl wanted to have sex with me I would be right there in her bed without hesitation. And that is my struggle…not theirs. I don’t think that they can truly relate to me, nor do I feel comfortable sharing EVERYTHING. I throw a few crumbs out there…but I am not transparent.

I think I have found a pair of friends who are close enough to care deeply about me and don’t judge me…yet distant enough for me to have some transparency. My only hope of recovery is to be transparent…I hope that I can.

The online SLAA meetings are going to help. I need to get back to them…90 meetings in 90 days is the suggestion. I am really going to try to do this. I want sobriety….but my desire is still for my addiction. It is going to be a long haul…but I will do it.

My friends said that I need to OWN it! I sure will try.

Letter From Sober Me to in Crisis Me

Dear M_________________,

If you  are reading this then it means that you are facing a crisis moment of temptation. It may be due to anger, stress, boredom, opportunity, withdrawl, or just plain horniness....TIME OUT!!!

Ok...Take a moment to pray to God to give you His strength to get through this.

Did you do it? LIAR! DO IT!

Now take a moment to remember why you are on this road to sobriety. Your life was unmanageable due to your addiction. You were out of control. You squandered incalcuable time, opportunities, and money in the pursuit of your addiction. You are risking the love and respect of your wife and children. REMEBER THEM?!!! You love them so much and this would break their hearts. Not to mention that you know that this is wrong and contrary to the will of God.

Got it?! Do you really?!

Now remember the last time you slipped and gave in to temptation? You thought it would be easy to get back on track. YOU WERE WRONG! Remember that it is a lot easier to STAY SOBER than it is to pick yourself back up and hop back on the wagon.

Now...take a moment to think of the promises of sobriety....

1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

3. We will comprehend the word serenity

4. We will know peace.

5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experinece can benefit others.

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7.We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

8. Self seeking will slip away

9. Our whole attitute and outlook upon life will change.

10. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.

11.We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Finally....Take a moment to pray AGAIN...This time tell God what you are thankful for.

YES!! DO IT!!!

If this hasn't worked...call your sponsor or get to a meeting.

With tough love...

YOUR SOBER SELF!

Why do I keep needing this fix?

All I can think about is getting laid. I want it so bad and spend all my time in pursuit of it.

I think part of it may be that I have a crap job right now...it's only part time and I just don't feel like a man anymore. I need the fix to feel like a man.

I hope that if I can get back into the work force full time that maybe, with a restoration of some dignity that I can pull myself back out of this funk.

I need to feel masculine, in charge, and whole. I don't feel that right now.

No Control

I am totally out of.control. I know that I should stop, but I can't. I am obsessed to the point of excluding everything else. All I want is to get laid and get off. 

I know I should try to stop....but I don't want to. I wish I did.

My Story

Since I erased all my previous posts when I had my spiral….I thought it important to tell my story once again…

Among the earliest memories I have is when we moved our mobile home from K to a trailer park in MV. I was 5 years old. I met Kelly…another 5 year old. She became my girlfriend (as much as 5 year olds can have a girlfriend) We held hands and exchanged pecks. It was all rather innocent, but I was on the way to a normal, well adjusted, and socially normal childhood.

The problem was her older brother, Mike. He was 11. He lured me behind a rock and made me suck his penis. That wasn’t enough….he pissed in my mouth!! Can you imagine what that does to a 5 year old boy??? I was treated like a toilet. It said to me that I didn’t matter. I was worthless. I died that day! Over the course of the next 2 years my best friend and I were abused by him on several occasions, forced to perform sex acts on him and each other. In fact, he tried to play strip poker with me while our babysitter just sat there and watched!!! She didn’t do anything to stop it.

I never told my parents.

We moved to M when I started second grade. This was a chance for a new start in a new town….away from Mike. Of course I had very little self esteem and was stunted in my social development due to the abuse I suffered. There was a 4^th grade boy named Kurt. He was a major bully. For some reason he received enjoyment from beating on me. I endured regular beatings at the hands of this boy. He was bigger and stronger. I was helpless and couldn’t fight back. I would be hit, punched, kicked, thrown into snow banks, and have ice and snow shoved into my face and hair and shoved down my shirt and pants. It was horrible. My glasses broke several times.

There were some 5^th grade girls who took pity on my and would often come to comfort me and help me back up after these beatings. The police were called on a few occasions, but it never resulted in any change.

I have a difficult time to this day trusting and bonding with men. I have found it easier to befriend and trust females (despite some negative experiences I will explain in a moment). I don’t even like it when a male touches me in a non-sexual way. It makes me very uneasy.

I would occasionally act out and throw tantrums at this time in my life. In some ways it was typical for a child to do that. In some ways it was a cry for attention and help. My parents didn’t understand what was going on with me. They became frustrated. My father would occasionally threaten to call the police and have them take me away because I was a “bad boy” and needed more discipline than they could provide. One day, after a particularly nasty tantrum my father said that he did in fact make that call. He was just threatening me to try and get me to behave. I know that he did and does love me, but it gave me a bad case of abandonment issues. I was already filled with feelings of self loathing. I was told by Mike that I was no better than a toilet. Kurt thought I was a punching bag, and now my Dad (unintentionally) was telling me that he didn’t want me.

We stayed in M for a year. After that we moved back to K. I was leaving Kurt behind and thought maybe….just maybe I could make some friends….to be finally accepted. But because of the abuse I suffered I was unable to mature socially along with my peers. I found myself the object of social ridicule. While Mike and Kurt told me I was worthless by their actions, now the words of ridicule confirmed it with a whole new set of peers. I was teased mercilessly. I was definitely not one of the cool kids.

When I entered junior high school I was experiencing the normal attraction to girls. All I wanted was to be normal. There were occasions where I would find myself attracted to a certain girl, I would ask her out, and I would get shot down. Sometimes they were nice about it, sometimes they ignored me, sometimes they would laugh…or their friends would laugh. I believed that if they got a chance to really know me that they would like me, but nobody gave me that chance. I was not cool. I was the outsider. This haunted me through junior high and high school. Every girl I ever liked broke my heart. (April, Lynne, Holly, Julie, April, Sherri, Amanda, Melody, Angie, Michelle). Any hope of normalcy I ever entertained was gone.

At the age of 13 I discovered how to masturbate and had my first orgasm. OH MY GOD! Some people turn to alcohol or drugs to kill their pain, I found my drug. It was the endorphin rush of an orgasm. The dopamine shot killed the pain….for the moment. I began to masturbate a lot. Sometimes 6 or more times a day. Whenever I had time alone I would be looking for that hit. Whatever social problems I experienced would be gone in that moment of an orgasmic high.

I still had self esteem issues though. By the time I was 16 I was frequently finding myself on the top of a bridge debating whether I should throw myself into oncoming traffic and ending it all. I was clinically depressed. I had no self worth. It was my fear of hell that kept me alive.

I would sneak peeks at the porno magazines whenever I could at the local corner store. When my parents were asleep I would try to find movies on cable that featured nudity. I would even turn on the scrambled porno pay per views to try and make out what was happening.

By the time I turned 18 I would go to the video store and rent porno movies….lots of porno movies….almost 4 or 5 at a time and I would do that several times a week. I later started buying them. I went to strip clubs when I could. Between the ages of 18 and 30 I estimate that I had spent nearly $50,000 in adult entertainment….feeding my addiction.

I got married at the age of 31 and thought that it would solve the problem. It didn’t solve anything.

Let me say right now that I absolutely love my wife and always have. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is just that I still have the patterns of addiction that I have not been able to shake.

I still find myself struggling and fighting my addiction. I still hit up webcams, internet pornography, strip clubs on occasion, cybersex chat, adult theaters. I am still an emotional and social anorexic. I connect better with people online than I do with people in real life face to face. I know that I need a shrink real bad, but I don’t have any insurance to do that. I have never professionally dealt with all these issues. I have been to SLAA meetings, but I have not gone in a few months. I know I need to go back, but I am so caught in the grips of my addiction. I know I need to let it go, but I don’t seem to have the will to do so.

I am fighting back tears writing this. Reliving the horrible details of my past is pure torture. I know that it is an important step in healing, but it hurts nevertheless.

I know that I need to reach out for help, but I don’t have the will right now. I am hoping that by returning to my blogging that I might find the strength and will to find my sobriety. 

My Apologies...Explaining My Absence

I want to apologize to my readers for my long absence. Let me explain.

I am an emotional and social anorexic and so online friendships are a lot easier for me than face to face. I can be more open and transparent with online friends than I can with those that I see on a day to day basis. I can interact with people in day to day life, but there are big masks. Nobody, not even my wife can see what dwells within the depths of my soul. With online friends I seem to be more open and feel more comfortable.

I play a game online. This game involves a lot of social interaction. In the course of the game I have made some good friends. There was one friend in particular who I became very close with. She was not a sexual interest in any way, but she was someone that I could share what was in the depths of my heart….the bright and the dark. She knew of my addiction and was very supportive.

Without going into the messy details, that friendship disintegrated a couple of months ago. It was a result of conflict that she had with another one of my online friends. I wanted to remain neutral in the dispute because I valued both of them so very much and didn’t want to hurt either one. My neutrality cost me my friendship with my best friend. I did not handle the situation well myself, so I certainly must share in the blame for that.

I was absolutely devastated and wounded deeply. I did everything I could think of to try and repair that relationship to no avail. I took a 1 month hiatus from the game, though I did return and am eternally thankful to my new alliance who was there for me as I healed.

I was hurting real bad emotionally. I needed to medicate. I spiraled into as much indulgence as I could. (Porn, masturbation, webcams....all of it and more). I was ashamed of my indulgence, but I needed the fix. I erased all of my previous blog posts. I was done with sobriety. I needed my drug. I stopped going to SLAA meetings. Whenever my wife was not home I was online trying to find a hookup or engaging in cybersex.

I received an invitation to meet up with a 19 yr old webcam girl who lives 2 hrs away. We spent the last few weeks talking back and forth getting to know each other a bit and to become more comfortable before we actually hooked up. Last week we were going to make a date, but in the intervening time she also started seeing somebody and believed that it was actually going to go somewhere, so she called it off. Needless to say that I am disappointed….and at the same time relieved. We are still taking though…still in touch. Who knows what may materialize in the end.

My friend and I have now reconciled. We are friends again and it makes me so happy. I can’t begin to express my joy at having her back in my life again. She has apologized to me for the hurt she brought me…and I to her for the way I conducted myself as well. There is enough blame to go around and there is no need to revisit the past. We have forgiven and forgotten.

And yet, I still find myself struggling with my addiction. I do not blame her in the least for my slide into depravity. I made a choice…a poor choice, but still a choice. I could have reacted to the hurt and pain in any number of ways, but I chose to medicate. I find I have a love-hate relationship with it. St. Augustine once prayed…”Lord, grant me chastity…but not yet.” I feel like that. I want my sobriety, but I want the pleasure and feelings that it brings…though I know it is self destructive.

And so….one hook up….it is all I ask. I just want one, no strings attached, fuck session. Just let me find and have this one thing…and then I will get sober.

Or maybe I should get sober now….I don’t know. I love my wife and don’t want to hurt her….but I just feel like I really need this. I’m not sure what direction things will take at this moment. It would be so much better if I could afford a shrink. I need it.