Coming to Terms With Discontent

I am trying to come to terms with what is driving me to do the things I do. I really don't want to do them, yet I continue to make bad choices.

There is a fierce strain of discontentment in my life.

I was robbed of a normal childhood and youth due to my abuse. I didn't date as a teenager. All I wanted was normalcy. I wanted to have girlfriends, and friends, and just to be accepted. I wanted to lose my virginity in High School like others. I am jealous of people who had those experiences. Fucking was normal. I wasn't normal...and so fucking has become an obsession. That along with the chemical dependency developed from repetitive masturbation..

I lost a good job due to company bullshit. I have yet to get myself pulled back up to where I can properly support my family. I have a wife who is constantly telling me how I need to get a better job (as if I can just DECIDE to do that and it magically happens). She looks at nice houses and asks "what do THEY do to make so much money?" when she says that it is like a knife in my gut telling me that I am a failure as a provider. 

Despite the fact that sometimes she drives me crazy (and she would say the same about me), I DO have a wonderful wife whom I love. She is indeed a gift to me. And yet, rather than be content with what I have, I desire more and different experiences. I want to be with other women, not because I don't love my wife, but because I refuse to allow myself to be satisfied with her alone. She should be enough. I want her to be enough...but for some reason I can't be content with that. 

I ha e to learn contentment if I am going to break this chain. I am a slave to my lust and passions....I am a good person who has had some shitty things happen to me....but I can't seem to break this. 

I must...I will....

I have to own it!

I will one way or another.

I have friends who are supporting my efforts. I need to find contentment.