Step one is giving me plenty to reflect on...
STEP ONE: I admit that I am powerless over sex addiction and
that my life has become unmanageable.
Affirmations:
- I accept that the life I have known is over
- I accept pain as my teacher and problems as the key to a new existence for me.
- I realize that I have had a hard life and that I deserve better
- As part of the surrender of my pride I will let others give to me as an act of faith in my value as a person
- I appreciate that in the chaos of the now, my instinct and beliefs may work against me. My friends help me sort out healthy instincts and beliefs from unhealthy ones.
- I do not blame or search for fault. It sin not who, but how and what happened.
- I accept that life is difficult and that leaning into the struggle adds to my balance.
Consequences Inventory:
- I have had suicidal thoughts and feelings in the past and have been on the brink of attempts in the past.
- I have failed in my own efforts to control this addiction
- I feel like I have a double life (public and secret).
- I have lost self-esteem as I see only my addiction
- I have failed to pursue my life goals in favor of feeding my addiction
- I act contrary to my own values and beliefs in my failure to control my addiction
- I experience extreme guilt and shame
- My addiction does not bring me closer to others, but isolates me from those I care about and those who care about me.
- If I do not control my addiction I risk my own mental and physical health.
- Preoccupation with my addiction has played havoc with my ability to sleep.
- Despite my intellectual knowledge that I am an accepted child of God and saved by his grace, I feel emotionally disconnected from him and fear his anger.
- I risk the disintegration of my family, losing the love and respect of my spouse and my children.
- I have wasted money on my addiction, spending funds that could be used to better our family situation to feed my lust and need for sexual expression.
- I risk my future career if I should be discovered
- As I continue to indulge my addiction I lose opportunities to engage in helpful, enjoyable, and productive hobbies.
- As I continue to indulge my addiction I fail to adequately prepare for my responsibilities and keep my commitments.
Family Tree and Addiction
My father used to bring home movies that were highly sexual
in nature. He would not let me watch them, but knowing that he did made me more
interested in wanting to obtain similar movies for myself.
My sister is an alcoholic and drug addict.
Addiction History
I discovered masturbation at 13 or 14. The euphoria of an
orgasm was instantly addicting. I found that the loneliness, hurts, and
feelings of inadequacy were suspended when I experienced an orgasm. I became
preoccupied with having as many as I could in order to make myself feel better.
Abuse History
I was sexually abused often when I was 5 and 6 years old by
an older boy in the neighborhood. He forced me to perform oral sex on him. He
urinated in my mouth on one occasion. He forced me and my best friend to
perform oral sex on each other.
I was beaten up almost daily by an older boy when I was 7. I
was hit, punched, shoved, and “white washed” frequently. Older girls in the
neighborhood provided comfort to me in the aftermath of the beatings.
I was picked on, teased, and verbally abused by my peers
throughout elementary and middle school. I was pretty much a social outcast by
the time high school rolled around.
I left my childhood with little to no sense of self esteem.
Do I obsess or fantasize about my addictive behavior?
- I continue to replay scenes from pornographic movies that I have seen in my mind.
- I look forward to alone time so that I can watch porn and masturbate or engage in cybersex online.
- I frequently fantasize about sexual encounters with people I see or know.
Do I try to control my behavior?
- I have made repeated attempts at sobriety.
- I have tried willpower
- I have gone through cycles where I purchase porn, purge it, and go back and purchase it again…like a sexual bulimic.
Do I lie about, cover up, or minimize my behavior?
- I continue to lie to my spouse whenever I have been acting out. I have told her that I was not doing anything when I have in fact been masturbating on cam, engaging in dirty chat, or watching pornography.
- I use the “incognito mode” on my web browser to hide my internet activity from my family
- I refuse to allow my family to use my computer and mobile devices out of fear that my activities would be discovered.
Am I frequently trying to understand or rationalize my
behavior?
- I have read books about sexual addiction in an effort to understand why I am the way I am.
- I attend meetings of the Samson Society, though I can not bring myself to be truly transparent there.
- I often will act out and then blame it on my addiction rather than a choice.
Have my behaviors affected my physical health?
- On one occasion I masturbated so much I blistered my penis.
- I suffer from insomnia
Do I feel guilty or shameful about my behaviors? (Or the
other extreme- feel defiant or prideful about my behaviors?)
- I feel ashamed when I act out because I can not control myself.
- I feel guilty when I act out because I believe that God does not approve of these behaviors.
- I feel powerful when I am acting out because I can bring pleasure to another and be the source of that pleasure- and yet feel ashamed later because I know that I really belong with my wife and not another person (whether virtual or in person).
Do I feel that my emotional health has been affected by
these behaviors?
- I feel shame
- I feel guilt
- I feel out of control
- I feel empty
Have my actions affected my social life?
- I fail to have transparent relationships with people I know
- I lead a secret life.
- I choose to spend time alone rather than with others who care about me
- I seem recluse and unfriendly when in fact I am just anorexic.
- I live in fear of the opinions of others
- I am isolated
Have my choices affected my character, morals, or values?
- While I still hold to my Christian values, I fail to live up to them.
- I could not say I have good character because I continue to fail to make good choices with regard to sexual integrity.
Has my spirituality been affected by my behaviors?
- I fail repeatedly in my prayer life and the spiritual disciplines which should characterize a Christian
- I feel guilty before God because of my behaviors.
- I look in the mirror and see a hypocrite.
- I fail to live transparently before others, in fear of judgment and condemnation rather than as authentic and encouraging.
Have my choices affected my financial situation?
- I have spent nearly $50,000 over the past 25 years on pornography, strippers, or other activities related to my addiction
- I have failed to exercise proper financial discipline because I am more interested in spending time with my addiction than paying attention to our family finances.
Has my preoccupation led to destructive behavior against
self or others?
- When my son was still an infant, I forgot to pick him up from daycare because I was preoccupied with getting home to watch porn and engage in sex chat online.
- I have had suicidal thoughts in the past.
Am I able to share my feelings? Why or why not?
- I am more able to share my feelings with strangers than people close to me. I can not be transparent with people I know. I live in fear of judgment, abandonment, and condemnation.
Have I made promises to myself that I have broken?
- I have promised to quit several times, but never able to keep it.
- I have chosen forms of sexual gratification that I never thought I would ever do.
Have I made promises to others that I have broken?
- I promised my wife that I would get help. I went to one counseling session with a pastor of another church that I don’t attend. It was all I did and did not go back for more.
- I saw a professional shrink about 8 years ago. I lied and lied and lied so I never got the help I needed. I was sorry I got caught…not sorry for the deed.
Have I denied that I have a problem?
- I have never denied that I have a problem, but I have lived in denial of how serious it is.
- I have denied myself the help that I really need in order to break the addiction
- I have a love-hate relationship with my addiction. I do not want to let it go, and at the same time I do.
Has my addiction affected my self esteem?
- I look in the mirror and see a hypocrite and a pervert.
- It is when I am acting out that I feel better about myself, but then afterwards I feel terrible.
Have I tried to relieve my pain about my behavior?
- The only way I know how to relieve my pain is by acting out, and so it becomes a crazy cycle.
- I have had suicidal thoughts when I was a teenager.
Have I tried to manipulate people into supporting my
addiction? How?
- I have tried to get my wife to bring porn into our sex life
- I have tried to guilt my wife into having sex.
- I have used my addiction as an excuse for my behavior.
Have I given up my hobbies and interests? What are these?
- I do not read as much as I would like
- I do not spend the quality time with my family that they need and desire
Examples of my powerlessness
- When I first started masturbating I promised that I would stop. I have never been able to stop
- As a twenty something I was caught by a member of my church coming out of the porn room at the video store. I was never confronted about it, but I promised myself that I would stop. I didn’t
- When I was taking care of a special needs gentleman when I was 28 I would leave him in the car while I browsed and purchased at the adult bookstore, leaving him alone in the car for an hour.
- I forgot my own child at daycare so that I could look at porn
- I developed a cybersex relationship with another woman while I was engaged. I was supposed to end the relationship after we got married, but never did.
- I was caught by my wife masturbating on webcam in the middle of the night. She threatened to leave me. I promised to stop and get help but I never was able to stop.
- I tried to give up porn by throwing away my entire collection, but then went out and bought a new one, with many of the same titles that I originally threw out.
- I have done the above on at least 5 different occasions.
Examples of Unmanageability
- I neglect my wife and kids in favor or sexual encounters online or porn
- I neglect my finances in favor of spending time seeking sex
- I neglect household chores in favor of spending time seeking sex
- I fail to meet my commitments in favor of spending time seeking sex
- I continually procrastinate everything so that I can find sex online or porn.
- I put off finding full time employmnent so that I have more time to pursue sex
- I fail to build positive relationships with others out of fear that my secrets will become exposed.
I will add to this list as more thoughts come to me.
Even as I complete this exercise in the first step....I want to act out right now and get on a chat.
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