Transparency

I met Nate Larkin about 5 years ago. He told me his story and how he plunged into the depths of sexual addiction, how it nearly destroyed him, and how he managed to find sobriety. I was impressed. I knew that I could relate to some elements of his story, saw the path that I was going down, and realized that I too could hit rock bottom like he did. If I didn’t seek and find sobriety I was going to lose everything.

We started a branch of the Samson Society shortly after meeting Nate. I have enjoyed talking with and listening to other men who struggle with sexual addiction or even just proclivities to sexual excess. It is similar to a 12 step program, but I have found some drawbacks to it.

Here is my problem….I go to church with about 2/3 of the men who attend. I have to look these men in the eye and they know me….but because I have relationships with them outside of the Samson group, I do not feel the freedom to expose the deep, dark struggles of my soul. If they could see the depths of my struggles, the severity of the hurt that I have buried deep inside, the perversity of my desires…could they truly respect me? Maybe they can…but I just don’t feel the freedom to be transparent.

I envy what Nate has, the ability to be truly transparent with everyone. He is the most transparent person I know. I don’t have that freedom. I peel back a few layers in the meetings…but they will never be able to see the core.

I know that some of these men who attend are good men, well intentioned, and want to be supportive, buy they don’t truly struggle in the same way that I do. They were not abused, they are not addicted. Yes, they face the same temptations of lust, pornography, and fantasy that all of us have…but not to the same degree that I do. I doubt that if an opportunity to cheat on their spouse was ever presented to them, that they would succumb to the temptation. Yes, they would entertain the thought, but they have the strength and the willpower to say no. I do not. If an attractive young girl wanted to have sex with me I would be right there in her bed without hesitation. And that is my struggle…not theirs. I don’t think that they can truly relate to me, nor do I feel comfortable sharing EVERYTHING. I throw a few crumbs out there…but I am not transparent.

I think I have found a pair of friends who are close enough to care deeply about me and don’t judge me…yet distant enough for me to have some transparency. My only hope of recovery is to be transparent…I hope that I can.

The online SLAA meetings are going to help. I need to get back to them…90 meetings in 90 days is the suggestion. I am really going to try to do this. I want sobriety….but my desire is still for my addiction. It is going to be a long haul…but I will do it.

My friends said that I need to OWN it! I sure will try.