Using the Tools of Recovery

So my wife was out of the country all last week. I was left home alone. This is not a good thing for a sex addict. Loneliness and isolation are perfect combination for acting out. One of the tools of recovery is keeping busy on positive things to take your mind off acting out. Well my house has not been cleaned for a few months and it was an ungodly mess. Despite a back injury, I picked away at it with frequent breaks so as not to aggravate it too much. I cleaned every room and did about 20 loads of laundry. My expectation was that when my wife got home that she would be thrilled. I have been told that husbands cleaning house is an aphrodisiac.

Well on Monday I went to the airport in Orlando to pick up my wife, her friend, and my nephew. Now curbside security can be real Nazis. They expect you to load and be gone. No waiting around. So I was very task oriented. Load them up and get on the road. Now in addition to being a sex addict I am also a social anorexic. My plan was to drop off her friend and when we got home ask her about her trip. We got about halfway home and my wife started nagging me IN FRONT OF HER FRIEND about how I didn't kiss her and embrace her when I picked her up and wasn't asking about her trip. The fact that there was no AC in the car and the windows down also played a role in my waiting. Needless to say, I was feeling very hurt and belittled by her. I let it go, thinking that when she saw the house that she would forget all about it and be happy. Instead, when we got home she sat down and asked me "What did you do all week?" AS IF IT WASN'T BLATANTLY OBVIOUS!!! In fact, she knew that I had cleaned and didn't say anything about it in order to get a dig at me for not falling all over her at the airport and asking about her trip in the car. It seems like sometimes everything has to be on HER terms or she throws a fit. I was again feeling quite hurt and angry. I didn't sleep well thant night.

The next day I had to take my nephew to the airport. My wife wanted me to drive her to work so I could take the van to Tampa. I was tired and told her to go. We have another van, but the battery is low and needs a jump every now and then. I have a charger and it always works to jump the van. So I told her to just go. Well little did I know that the charger broke. Somehow one of the clips was ripped off. It wasn't that way last time I used it. So I called my wife to come bring the van and explained what happened. So we had to take her back to work before we left for the airport. In the vehicle, AGAIN IN FRONT OF MY NEPHEW she began with "I had a feeling that something like this was going to happen. You should listen to me. I know things." and "You should go this way" as if I don't know my way around town after having lived here for 15 years. Again, I was feeling belittled, hurt, and angry.

So I drove my nephew to Tampa and got him on the plane. Now here I am in Tampa... alone...hurt...and angry. I was only about 15 minutes from an adult theater. My addict was calling to me. "You could go and watch all the porn you want and maybe even find someone to hook up with (as occasionally happens there). You will feel better. Screw sobriety...screw your wife...she doesn't even care about you anyways. She hurt you so you go ahead and indulge yourself. You deserve it."

Before recovery I would be listening to my addict. But, I had 41 days of sobriety (43) as of the time of me writing this. I was not going to lose that. I wasn't going to give in for the moment only to live with regret the next day. But the urge was really REALLY strong. I was triggered like you wouldn't believe. Fortunately my higher power was looking out for me. As soon as I got in the car I called my sponsor. I wasn't going to have a "I did this thing...." kind of conversation. I was going to have a "I am in Tampa right now and I am feeling alone, hurt, and angry. I have a strong desire to act out right now. Help me get out of town." conversation. He stayed on the phone with me until I got out of town. I am fortunate to have a great sponsor.

I can't promise that every triggering is going to go this well...but at least when I am triggered I can look back at this as a success and know that I don't HAVE to act out and I don't have to do this alone.

Deep Inside...

When I am in my wheelhouse I feel confident. That is especially true at church. I can break things down theologically like nobody's business and there are many that look up to me.

I also have a good friend I met online who is 16 now. We have known each other for a couple years and I have been able to fill a father role for her when she needs fatherly advice. She says that I am her hero.

In all honesty, given my addiction I don't feel very heroic. I struggle with an addiction that fills me with shame. I know that the only hope I have is in God. It is only his gifts to me that allow me to be a leader at church and a father figure to my friend. In truth I have a lot of work to do, but I am doing the work.

Lately, I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor, deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

Giving My Addict a Name

For so long, the addict and I have been merged into one person that they seemed like one and the same. That is how my wife saw me. That is how my acting out partners saw me.

I am now 19 days sober and doing it the right way this time, with the help of a sponsor and using the tools of recovery. I am not white knuckling it, trying to find freedom through sheer willpower.

Now that I am getting sober, my addict has been fighting me for dominance, calling me back to old ways. My addict has always been there to take care of me and keep me fed. Now that I am getting sober I am finding that my Higher Power (and I am a Christian) is not just the master of my eternal salvation, but also the master of my day to day. He is the one that I need to surrender to. I need to trust myself into His care.

My addict and I are fighting for dominance. He doesn't want to go quietly. He wants to be fed and my job in sobriety is to starve him. So he is throwing a temper tantrum, calling me back to the old behaviors that gave me both pleasure and chaos. He reminds me of the pleasure. He reminds me that he shields me from those things in life I don't want to confront.

It reminds me of this scene from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. I have decided to name my addict Gollum so that when those urges and cravings come, I can say, "That is Gollum talking."