Giving My Addict a Name

For so long, the addict and I have been merged into one person that they seemed like one and the same. That is how my wife saw me. That is how my acting out partners saw me.

I am now 19 days sober and doing it the right way this time, with the help of a sponsor and using the tools of recovery. I am not white knuckling it, trying to find freedom through sheer willpower.

Now that I am getting sober, my addict has been fighting me for dominance, calling me back to old ways. My addict has always been there to take care of me and keep me fed. Now that I am getting sober I am finding that my Higher Power (and I am a Christian) is not just the master of my eternal salvation, but also the master of my day to day. He is the one that I need to surrender to. I need to trust myself into His care.

My addict and I are fighting for dominance. He doesn't want to go quietly. He wants to be fed and my job in sobriety is to starve him. So he is throwing a temper tantrum, calling me back to the old behaviors that gave me both pleasure and chaos. He reminds me of the pleasure. He reminds me that he shields me from those things in life I don't want to confront.

It reminds me of this scene from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. I have decided to name my addict Gollum so that when those urges and cravings come, I can say, "That is Gollum talking."