Thursday, July 28, 2016

Using the Tools of Recovery

So my wife was out of the country all last week. I was left home alone. This is not a good thing for a sex addict. Loneliness and isolation are perfect combination for acting out. One of the tools of recovery is keeping busy on positive things to take your mind off acting out. Well my house has not been cleaned for a few months and it was an ungodly mess. Despite a back injury, I picked away at it with frequent breaks so as not to aggravate it too much. I cleaned every room and did about 20 loads of laundry. My expectation was that when my wife got home that she would be thrilled. I have been told that husbands cleaning house is an aphrodisiac.

Well on Monday I went to the airport in Orlando to pick up my wife, her friend, and my nephew. Now curbside security can be real Nazis. They expect you to load and be gone. No waiting around. So I was very task oriented. Load them up and get on the road. Now in addition to being a sex addict I am also a social anorexic. My plan was to drop off her friend and when we got home ask her about her trip. We got about halfway home and my wife started nagging me IN FRONT OF HER FRIEND about how I didn't kiss her and embrace her when I picked her up and wasn't asking about her trip. The fact that there was no AC in the car and the windows down also played a role in my waiting. Needless to say, I was feeling very hurt and belittled by her. I let it go, thinking that when she saw the house that she would forget all about it and be happy. Instead, when we got home she sat down and asked me "What did you do all week?" AS IF IT WASN'T BLATANTLY OBVIOUS!!! In fact, she knew that I had cleaned and didn't say anything about it in order to get a dig at me for not falling all over her at the airport and asking about her trip in the car. It seems like sometimes everything has to be on HER terms or she throws a fit. I was again feeling quite hurt and angry. I didn't sleep well thant night.

The next day I had to take my nephew to the airport. My wife wanted me to drive her to work so I could take the van to Tampa. I was tired and told her to go. We have another van, but the battery is low and needs a jump every now and then. I have a charger and it always works to jump the van. So I told her to just go. Well little did I know that the charger broke. Somehow one of the clips was ripped off. It wasn't that way last time I used it. So I called my wife to come bring the van and explained what happened. So we had to take her back to work before we left for the airport. In the vehicle, AGAIN IN FRONT OF MY NEPHEW she began with "I had a feeling that something like this was going to happen. You should listen to me. I know things." and "You should go this way" as if I don't know my way around town after having lived here for 15 years. Again, I was feeling belittled, hurt, and angry.

So I drove my nephew to Tampa and got him on the plane. Now here I am in Tampa... alone...hurt...and angry. I was only about 15 minutes from an adult theater. My addict was calling to me. "You could go and watch all the porn you want and maybe even find someone to hook up with (as occasionally happens there). You will feel better. Screw sobriety...screw your wife...she doesn't even care about you anyways. She hurt you so you go ahead and indulge yourself. You deserve it."

Before recovery I would be listening to my addict. But, I had 41 days of sobriety (43) as of the time of me writing this. I was not going to lose that. I wasn't going to give in for the moment only to live with regret the next day. But the urge was really REALLY strong. I was triggered like you wouldn't believe. Fortunately my higher power was looking out for me. As soon as I got in the car I called my sponsor. I wasn't going to have a "I did this thing...." kind of conversation. I was going to have a "I am in Tampa right now and I am feeling alone, hurt, and angry. I have a strong desire to act out right now. Help me get out of town." conversation. He stayed on the phone with me until I got out of town. I am fortunate to have a great sponsor.

I can't promise that every triggering is going to go this well...but at least when I am triggered I can look back at this as a success and know that I don't HAVE to act out and I don't have to do this alone.

1 comment:

  1. Wow that's a rough day. I'm so impressed you reached out. When I feel unloved or unappreciated I too want to AO. Self pity and loneliness are my big triggers before I AO. I'm rooting for ya. As my therapist said, Reach out or Act out! :D Glad you reached out! Be praying for ya friend :D

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