Put Yourself in My Shoes

It is so difficult for a non-addict to understand an addict. They live in the world of deliberate choices so in their mind acting out is a choice. They demand of the addict to simply make good choices. Maybe  this illustration can give you a picture of an addicts struggle.

A mosquito is buzzing around you and lands on your neck. What did you do? Did you swat it? Of course you did.  Did you stop and think about it? Of course not. It was instinct. There was no thought involved.

Now imagine that you are ordered not to swat the mosquito. Next time one lands on your neck you swat it. Instincts take over. You think to yourself, "hey, I'm not supposed to swat it. I'll do better next time. Eventually you may get to the point where you can stop and think. The irritation persists, yet you manage somehow to not swat it. It requires an intense amount of self awareness and discipline. Now imagine having to maintain that level of awareness and discipline every waking hour. It is exhausting. It is really really exhausting.

Now sometimes you may make it and the mosquito flies off. Sometimes you simply can't take it anymore and you swat it. And sometimes you simply are not paying attention and you swat it out of instinct.

As an addict, I am asked to maintain a constant vigil of awareness and discipline. It is exhausting. Sometimes I let my guard down. When I'm not paying attention I find myself slipping and once I'm in an acting out mode it takes over and I have lost control. I wish I had the strength to identify when I'm about to act out every time and call my sponsor. It's not easy.

Before you judge us or kick us when we screw up, take a moment to put yourself in our shoes. It is incredibly hard. 

Using the Tools of Recovery

So my wife was out of the country all last week. I was left home alone. This is not a good thing for a sex addict. Loneliness and isolation are perfect combination for acting out. One of the tools of recovery is keeping busy on positive things to take your mind off acting out. Well my house has not been cleaned for a few months and it was an ungodly mess. Despite a back injury, I picked away at it with frequent breaks so as not to aggravate it too much. I cleaned every room and did about 20 loads of laundry. My expectation was that when my wife got home that she would be thrilled. I have been told that husbands cleaning house is an aphrodisiac.

Well on Monday I went to the airport in Orlando to pick up my wife, her friend, and my nephew. Now curbside security can be real Nazis. They expect you to load and be gone. No waiting around. So I was very task oriented. Load them up and get on the road. Now in addition to being a sex addict I am also a social anorexic. My plan was to drop off her friend and when we got home ask her about her trip. We got about halfway home and my wife started nagging me IN FRONT OF HER FRIEND about how I didn't kiss her and embrace her when I picked her up and wasn't asking about her trip. The fact that there was no AC in the car and the windows down also played a role in my waiting. Needless to say, I was feeling very hurt and belittled by her. I let it go, thinking that when she saw the house that she would forget all about it and be happy. Instead, when we got home she sat down and asked me "What did you do all week?" AS IF IT WASN'T BLATANTLY OBVIOUS!!! In fact, she knew that I had cleaned and didn't say anything about it in order to get a dig at me for not falling all over her at the airport and asking about her trip in the car. It seems like sometimes everything has to be on HER terms or she throws a fit. I was again feeling quite hurt and angry. I didn't sleep well thant night.

The next day I had to take my nephew to the airport. My wife wanted me to drive her to work so I could take the van to Tampa. I was tired and told her to go. We have another van, but the battery is low and needs a jump every now and then. I have a charger and it always works to jump the van. So I told her to just go. Well little did I know that the charger broke. Somehow one of the clips was ripped off. It wasn't that way last time I used it. So I called my wife to come bring the van and explained what happened. So we had to take her back to work before we left for the airport. In the vehicle, AGAIN IN FRONT OF MY NEPHEW she began with "I had a feeling that something like this was going to happen. You should listen to me. I know things." and "You should go this way" as if I don't know my way around town after having lived here for 15 years. Again, I was feeling belittled, hurt, and angry.

So I drove my nephew to Tampa and got him on the plane. Now here I am in Tampa... alone...hurt...and angry. I was only about 15 minutes from an adult theater. My addict was calling to me. "You could go and watch all the porn you want and maybe even find someone to hook up with (as occasionally happens there). You will feel better. Screw sobriety...screw your wife...she doesn't even care about you anyways. She hurt you so you go ahead and indulge yourself. You deserve it."

Before recovery I would be listening to my addict. But, I had 41 days of sobriety (43) as of the time of me writing this. I was not going to lose that. I wasn't going to give in for the moment only to live with regret the next day. But the urge was really REALLY strong. I was triggered like you wouldn't believe. Fortunately my higher power was looking out for me. As soon as I got in the car I called my sponsor. I wasn't going to have a "I did this thing...." kind of conversation. I was going to have a "I am in Tampa right now and I am feeling alone, hurt, and angry. I have a strong desire to act out right now. Help me get out of town." conversation. He stayed on the phone with me until I got out of town. I am fortunate to have a great sponsor.

I can't promise that every triggering is going to go this well...but at least when I am triggered I can look back at this as a success and know that I don't HAVE to act out and I don't have to do this alone.

Deep Inside...

When I am in my wheelhouse I feel confident. That is especially true at church. I can break things down theologically like nobody's business and there are many that look up to me.

I also have a good friend I met online who is 16 now. We have known each other for a couple years and I have been able to fill a father role for her when she needs fatherly advice. She says that I am her hero.

In all honesty, given my addiction I don't feel very heroic. I struggle with an addiction that fills me with shame. I know that the only hope I have is in God. It is only his gifts to me that allow me to be a leader at church and a father figure to my friend. In truth I have a lot of work to do, but I am doing the work.

Lately, I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me, I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies that lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and look up for a smile
'Cause deep inside this armor, deep inside this armor
Deep inside this armor the warrior is a child

Giving My Addict a Name

For so long, the addict and I have been merged into one person that they seemed like one and the same. That is how my wife saw me. That is how my acting out partners saw me.

I am now 19 days sober and doing it the right way this time, with the help of a sponsor and using the tools of recovery. I am not white knuckling it, trying to find freedom through sheer willpower.

Now that I am getting sober, my addict has been fighting me for dominance, calling me back to old ways. My addict has always been there to take care of me and keep me fed. Now that I am getting sober I am finding that my Higher Power (and I am a Christian) is not just the master of my eternal salvation, but also the master of my day to day. He is the one that I need to surrender to. I need to trust myself into His care.

My addict and I are fighting for dominance. He doesn't want to go quietly. He wants to be fed and my job in sobriety is to starve him. So he is throwing a temper tantrum, calling me back to the old behaviors that gave me both pleasure and chaos. He reminds me of the pleasure. He reminds me that he shields me from those things in life I don't want to confront.

It reminds me of this scene from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. I have decided to name my addict Gollum so that when those urges and cravings come, I can say, "That is Gollum talking."

My Official FIRST STEP Narrative

Hi, I'm Michael and I'm a sex addict.

All I ever wanted was to be normal. I wanted to be loved and accepted. When I was five, there was an older boy in the neighborhood who lured me behind a boulder and proceeded to sexually abuse me. I can still see him standing over me laughing as he pissed in my mouth. The things he did were horrific. I was filled with a sense of shame and any self-esteem that was budding in that child was killed that day. He continued his abuse off and on over the next two years. I never told my parents. I had difficulty developing socially after that.

We moved to a new town and I was thrilled to be free of my abuser. Unfortunately another form of abuse was waiting for me. Another boy, a couple years older than I was, chose to make me his own personal punching bag for the next year. He would beat on me daily. One day I chose to walk home from school, three miles in a snow storm, at the age of seven. I thought I might be able to avoid the beating at least once. He was waiting for me when I got close to home. He saw me and tackled me, driving me into a snow bank. Snow and ice was mercilessly pressed into my face and down my shirt and pants. My glasses laid on the ground, broken for the umpteenth time. Ocassionallu, adults would call the police, but it seemed to do no good. The one saving grace was a couple of older girls in the neighborhood who gave me comfort after the beatings. I didn't like boys. Boys hurt you. I liked girls. Girls were nice.

My anger at my situation bubbled up from time to time in temper tantrums. My father was frustrated and didn't know what to do. He threatened on a few ocassions to call the police and have me sent away. One day after a tantrum he said he made that call even though he didn't. (Not a good thing to do to a young boy struggling with feelings of rejection already)

Needless to say, my social skills were quite undeveloped. I had a difficult time opening up, or even forming normal childhood bonds. When we moved a year later, I was looking forward to a fresh start. Sadly, I didn't know how to respond to childhood teasing. I was hurt by it, and showing weakness only made it worse. This was the town where I grew up, so for the next 10 years of school I endured teasing and being told essentially that I didn't quite measure up. My friendships were few. All I wanted was to be loved and accepted. All I wanted was what I perceived as normal.

My normal interest in dating was squelched at every turn. Girls I liked rejected my overtures, ranging from the polite to the cruel.

When I was about 13 I discovered pornography. After my paper route I would stop at the corner market and sneak peaks at the Playboy and Penthouse magazines. My father bought a VCR about that time and would bring movies into the home with sexual themes and nudity. He tried to keep them from me, but I'd sneak looks whenever I could. I would also check the cable guide to see when "after hours" movies were broadcasting on cable so I could set my alarm and sneak looks. When they started doing pay-per-view porn I would be looking at the scrambled signal trying to catch whatever I could. Quite pathetic really.

One of my few friends told me about masturbation at that time. I experienced my first orgasm and knew right there and then that I discovered my drug. I would compulsively masturbate 5 or more times a day. On a couple of occasions I actually blistered my penis. It was an escape from the pain of daily life. If I couldn't have a real girlfriend I would invent one. Despite this, the misery and depression still was there. I don't know how many times I stood on a bridge contemplating suicide. It was only my religious upbringing that kept me from following through.

When I became an adult, I was finally able to obtain my own porn. I had a steady diet of it. I would rent movies daily at the video store and buy them when I could. Most of my paycheck went to feed this habit. I estimate that I spent nearly $50,000 on adult entertainment by the time I was 30. I often joke that if high speed Internet was available when I was growing up I would have saved a fortune.

During this time, I was working as a retail manager by day and a live in caretaker for a mentally disabled gentleman during the evenings and weekends. Though i was supposed to be with him at all times, I would often leave him alone in the car while I browsed for porn in the adult bookstores, often for an hour. It was also during this time that I got my first computer. I discovered chat rooms and cybersex. I got real good at it. It became an obsession. Here were girls who were telling me that I was sexy. They were telling me I was amazing. My ability to get them off became another drug for me. It was the affirmation I craved.. It was everything I ever thought I wanted. It was also my secret life. I was a good church boy by day, but whenever I was alone, I was looking for ways to act out.

Shortly after turning 30 I met the woman who I was going to marry through a personal ad. Even though I had these online relationships, I still wanted marriage and a family. We dated for 9 months and were married 6 months after that. I thought that by taking a wife that my obsessions with porn and online relationships would go away. I thought that I could be rid of the hypocrisy. It didn't work out that way. She complains about so many things, whether it's chores, money, my job, my introversion, or my addiction...and so I act out. She rarely has sex with me, leaving me feel less than desirable, so I look for someone who finds me desirable and sexy. I still love her, and I guess she still loves me, but I still feel compelled to act out.

The course and consequences of my addiction are many.

I have had suicidal thoughts and feelings in the past and have been on the brink of attempts in the past.

I feel like I have a double life (public and secret).

Shortly after the birth of my son, I forgot to pick him up from daycare because I was obsessed with getting home to act out online.

I have failed to pursue my life goals in favor of feeding my addiction

I act contrary to my own values and beliefs in my failure to control my addiction

My addiction isolates me from those I care about and those who care about me.

Preoccupation with my addiction has played havoc with my ability to sleep.

Despite my intellectual knowledge that I am an accepted child of God and saved by his grace, I feel emotionally disconnected from him and fear his anger.

I risk the disintegration of my family, losing the love and respect of my spouse and my children.

I have wasted money on my addiction, spending funds that could be used to better our family situation in order to feed my lust and need for sexual expression.

I risk my future career if I should be discovered

As I continue to indulge my addiction I lose opportunities to engage in helpful, enjoyable, and productive hobbies.

As I continue to indulge my addiction I fail to adequately prepare for my responsibilities and keep my commitments.

Despite the consequences I continue to struggle. I continue to replay scenes from pornographic movies that I have seen in my mind. I look forward to alone time so that I can watch porn and masturbate or engage in cybersex online. I frequently fantasize about sexual encounters with people I see or know. I continue to lie to my spouse whenever I have been acting out. I have told her that I was not doing anything when I have in fact been masturbating on cam, engaging in dirty chat, or watching pornography. I use the “incognito mode” on my web browser to hide my internet activity from my family. I refuse to allow my family to use my computer and mobile devices out of fear that my activities would be discovered.

My efforts at sobriety to this point have been unsuccessful. I have read books on sexual addiction in efforts to try and understand it. I have tried willpower. I have gone through cycles where I purchase porn, purge it, and go back and purchase it again…like a sexual bulimic.

When I am acting out, I feel powerful, because I am giving pleasure to another and I am the source of that pleasure. The truth is that I am powerless over my addiction and that my life has become unmanageable. All it has left me is a sense of shame, putting everything at risk. I have a love-hate relationship with my addiction, but I need to let it go. Here I am. I am not sober, but I am wanting to raise the white flag of surrender, if I can somehow figure out what that looks like.

I am Michael and I am a sex addict.

Understanding Sexual Addiction

Isolation

Isolation

At my most recent support group meeting, we talked about isolation. Talk about a hit between the eyes!!! Isolation is my middle name.

I used to think that isolation was forced upon me. Because of my abuse I had difficulty forming and maintaining relationships with my peers. I was a victim, and conditioned myself to feel like and act like a victim. This, of course, only attracted and encouraged the bullies. And so isolation has become a defense mechanism and a comfortable place for me. It is a pattern of behavior that still plagues me to this day.

Whenever I feel angry, emotional, anxious, fearful, under attack, inadequate...I hide in my isolation spot. It may take the form of mentally shutting others out. The words spoken to me sound like the adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon. It may be losing myself in a book, a game, a television show...or acting out sexually.

I don't use the sex the way God intended, to draw closer to someone. It is a way to treat an internal vacuum. It is one of the reasons why the thought of anonymous sexual experiences is so appealing...strippers, escorts, cybersex, webcams...it is because I'm NOT drawing close to someone...but rather using them for the moment. It gives the temporary relief, but in the end is unsatisfying.

I find that where I do bond well is with online friendships. There is intimacy and transparency there, but with a feeling if safety because it isn't face to face. The people I associate with whom I call friends only see a surface projection. They don't see the real me inside. They don't see the wounded child struggling for normalcy. I am afraid of what they would truly think or do if they knew the true depths of my struggles. I feel safer and more transparent with my online friends.

My wife does not and can not understand this. She says that the people that I converse with online are NOT my friends, but rather the people I see face to face. She doesn't get it. What makes someone my friend is my ability to live transparently before them. I can't do that with face to face relationships. Sure, I can put on a smile, tell them about "how work is going", what is happening in the lives of my children, and even some minor conflicts in my life...but there is nobody I know face to face that I could tell about the innermost pain, struggles, and failures. There is nobody I can talk to where I can live transparently and authentically. There is nobody whom I feel comfortable crying with...not even my wife whom I honestly DO love dearly.

And so...I continue to isolate myself. And isolation breeds opportunity to act out.

I am working it out though. I hope someday to be able to open up face to face with someone like I can online. But still, I DO have my online friends...and that at least is something.